Crushes on straight girls suck. While it is hard to have a crush on anyone who is not reciprocating those feelings, it is even harder to have a crush on someone who you know, no matter what, could never reciprocate those feelings. I will say, though, that these straight girl crushes have at least become a lot easier for me to handle since coming out.
When I was closeted and still in denial to myself that I was gay, I’d become infatuated with various girls and do everything I could to get closer to them. In my conscious mind, I was just making a new best friend who I happened to also think a whole lot about all the time and who I’d get super nervous around and who would sometimes give me butterflies when she called or texted. I mean, isn’t that just what happens when you have a super cool new friend?
It turns out, that is not what happens, and these kinds of situations would normally end with me feeling very sad because whatever girl I was into was, understandably, never as willing as I was to push everything aside and make spending time with me her first priority.
Sometimes, I would at least be able to feel that sadness in a mature and contained way, but other times, I’d end up passive aggressively lashing out against said girl crush—and sometimes her boyfriend, too. It wasn’t fair to anyone, especially the unassuming girl who had no understanding of why I cared so deeply when she forgot to respond to my text.
I didn’t quite have a strong enough understanding yet, either, and I regret so much of my behavior during some of those times. Now that I do understand, though, it makes it all so much easier. Because now, if I do develop a crush on a straight girl, I can at least identify it as a crush and actively work to get over it.
Instead of pushing to get closer and letting my mind fixate on her, I can try to meet other girls to think about, and, while I of course can still remain her friend, I can consciously not let her be the first and only person I’ll hang out with any time I’m free, I can consciously not surrender all of my own needs to do everything I can to make her happy, I can stop myself from becoming inexplicably disturbed when she starts dating someone, and best of all, I can eliminate any misplaced anger toward her, so when the crush does fade, our friendship will remain strong.
It’s nice now to at least be able to understand why I trip over my words in front of certain pretty girls, even when its hard to know that they will always speak confidently around me.
I think one of the hardest parts about a crush on a straight girl now that I’m out is that feeling that it is going to make the person uncomfortable if for any reason she were to find out or suspect anything. Personally, I don’t really get that whole thing where certain straight people say they would be uncomfortable if a gay person had a crush on them. I mean first of all, it is really hard to control who I have crushes on in the first place, so it’s not like I’m seeking these people out. Second of all, it isn’t like I am going to try to seduce them despite my knowledge of their heterosexuality. I promise, if you are straight and I have a crush on you, I really really really want it to go away.
One of the scariest parts about coming out to friends of your same gender is fearing that they’ll all start to believe you can’t be their friend without being attracted to them. So when you do find yourself attracted to a friend, it can be really hard because you don’t want to fulfill that obnoxious stereotype. I have tons of female friends that I have never had a crush on, but there a few that I have liked, just as I am sure heterosexuals have some friends of the opposite sex for whom they have at some point felt something and some opposite-gendered friends that have never been anything but platonic.
When it comes down to it, unreciprocated feelings are unreciprocated feelings, regardless of the other person’s sexuality or gender, so it really shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable if they suspect someone does, in fact, feel something for them. Instead, it should make them sensitive, sensitive to not treating that person in a way that gives them hope.
Being aware of my feelings has given me so much more power over them. While I can’t always regulate who will cause my stomach to twist and turn when she walks into a room, at least I can have a better handle on it all.